Yet another busy week
Next week is the annual "World Congress of Epidemiology" sponsored by the International Epidemiological Association (IEA). As luck would have it, this year the even takes place in Bangkok. TASC purchased admittance tickets for all of the staff; we are also using the opportunity to set up meetings between the different country representatives that are involved in Child Injury prevention programs. People began arriving today. On Saturday we'll have some meetings here in the office, and Mike has asked me to present some data showing how the ability of an indivdual to recall an illness or a death depends upon several factors, all of which must be considered when designing a survey. I'll also meet again with the folks from Bangladesh about their injury survey surveillance system that I'm helping with. Simultaneously I'm trying to make another pass through the Thailand report so that it's a little cleaner should we distribute copies next week, and getting ready to travel both to Bangladesh and the US in September. So there's alot going on.
Looks like I'll get a laptop for my trip back home. I was hoping to treat this trip as a vacation, but it looks like I'll need to work alot on the surveillance system, seeing as how I'll need to head back out to Bangladesh to install quite soon after I return. They hope to have they system running in November... which gives us the month of October to set it up. So, ideally, I'll have the software in at least a beta stage by the first of October... thus the laptop!
Things are still good with Jah; it's been about a month since the last breakup, and we haven't had any problems since then. I'm starting to think long-term now, and I have some issues to deal with. I've been with her for about 4 months now. Maybe this seems too heavy, but the fact is that our relationship is moving into a point where, if a shared future is not a possibility, then it's best to break up and move on. She's 28 and I'm 32. We both want kids... time is not in abundance. No, no, we aren't getting married and starting a family, but if that isn't in the cards then what's the point?
I don't want to be seen as one of these guys that goes to Asia to find a wife, and I'm worried that's what the appearance will be. Even though she is a strong, independent, educated woman, I'm scared people will just look at her as a mail-order bride and me as a guy that orders a mail-order bride. The fact that I've been single so long in the U.S. doesn't help my confidence on this issue. And that's just on the US side... on the Thai side, many women from her part of the country find some rich white guy to to marry that is really just a source of income for her and her family. Jah doesn't want to be seen as someone that does that, either. I guess in the end, if we do end up together, we'll have to deal with alot of predjudice - an unwelcome burden to assume.
Hm, this sure is a juicy post... maybe the urge to comment will get some of you to register :)
posted by Llama @ 8/18/2005 05:14:00 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I tend to worry about stuff and over-analyze.
Don't worry, my perspective is fine... I just think about things alot. And now I have a place to write them down :)
It's your fault for putting things about your romantic life in the same post as stuff about work, because we are now all gonna completely ignore the first half of your post.
And sr is right. This post is classic Llama.
I think you are underestimating how much time you and Jah have left in our world. Odds are that you two have a good 50 years left in you. There's more child time as well. With good medical care, Jah can likely have children until close to the age of 40. The risks don't even start going up for her for another 7 years or so. Seems like 7 years isn't much time? Think that in the last 7 years, you have worked and lived in Nashville, Baton Rouge, New York, Singapore, and Bangkok. A whole lotta life can happen in that time. And even if you somehow pass the child-bearing time, you can adopt until about 50 with little worry that you won't be around to see your children to adulthood.
I hope this does not sound like I am trying to talk you out of anything. I am most definitely not. You sound quite happy in this relationship, and I have talked to you when you were in others.... Here are some great reasons to marry:
1) She kisses really good.
2) I love her smile.
3) She makes me laugh.
4) She's one of the smartest people I've ever met.
5) Wow, I wish I had the kind heart that she does.
6) I love caressing her hair.
7) Her goals in life are stunning.
8) I can't believe she sat by my bed for 3 days while I puked in the trashcan.
Have I covered the bases? Smart, funny, beautiful, kind, cares for you? You get the idea. The key is when you think, after a lazy day sitting around with her, "I wish I could do this with her forever," Then go for it.
You know all this already.
I asked N if that made sense, and she said I was just trying to say "don't stress so much." That's pretty much it, yeah. She should write these things.
But we also did discuss something relevant to the whole Asian girl / white guy stereotype thing. What you have to deal with will depend on where you live. You don't have much control over what people thing, but you do have some over where you live. N reminded me of her mom and dad, as you know the first who is French, the latter who is American. They lived in France for a couple years and then moved back to the US, where they moved back to his home, which is the farming communities of Eastern Washington. This turned out to be a bad idea. Her mom became totally isolated from almost everyone. She did not know how to drive, and it was too far to walk to see anyone. Of course, there was no one anywhere who spoke French, and her mom became lonelier and lonelier. When they visited the family back in France, she almost didn't return at all. Finally, after the separation and then divorce, she ended up in a small town in Washington where she was a little happier, and then in Seattle, where she is quite happy.
The point is only that our culture, language, family, etc. is important to most of us, no matter how independent and cosmopolitan you are. So if you were to go long-term, if you stayed in Thailand, it would likely be good for you to have some access to American culture and English, and if you were to move to the US, it would likely be good for her to have some access to a Thai community. This would likely make the transition easier for either you or her, and would help somewhat on the prejudice thing. For instance, in old Hawaii, your marriage would hardly be noticed.
Hm...
I guess we all carry different predjudices with us, and what I was really doing in this post voicing some of my own. For example, the stereotype of a bullying male with a subservient female was not even in my head. My real fear is much closer to the truth: the guy that isn't attractive enough to find a partner in the States and so has to leave a country to find someone that will marry him just because he's white and has money.
That's a very negative image, but there is a grain of truth in it regarding me in that I have never found anyone in the US. That's not because I haven't had options, but because I've rarely wanted the options available to me; I always wanted someone prettier, smarter, more independent, or whatever. When there has been a good match I have an expert ability to screw it up somehow or find some irrational reason to back off (there are a couple readers of this blog that have experienced expertise this first hand).
But, here's where things diverge: contrary to what Kbox wrote, I didn't come to Thailand to find a wife; I came here for the work. I could possibly leave with a wife, but that was not the purpose of travel. And though Jah may like white guys, she's certainly not in it for the money, cause I ain't got any... here's a secret: she was recently proposed to by an old boyfriend who has plenty of it, and she turned him down.
I have to say all in all I'm glad I wrote about this and appreciate all the comments. Paca, I particularly liked your reality check about time. 7 years is not a long time, but it's certainly not next month. I still think it would be a disservice to both her and myself to stay in this if I knew it could never last, but I shouldn't worry too much about running out of procreation time. I do need to be aware of it, however. Time passes more quickly these days.
Paca, perhaps in a few weeks or months I'll make my own list... and post it, of course :)
Hey, just thought I'd put in my two cents. If I were in your shoes and I met somebody I really liked and who really liked me and things were looking good between us, I wouldn't care one bit what other people thought. But Sammy's right, just make sure that you don't rush into anything. That clock that keeps on ticking sometimes feels like it's catching up with you (insert here a bunch of lyrics from Pink Floyd's "Time"), but really, you still do have years. Heck, women I work with who are in their 40s are still having kids, so a year or two won't make much of a difference. Just be true to how you really feel - that matters way more than what anybody else thinks about it.
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