Winter already

Things are cooling off a little here in Thailand. The walk to work this morning was quite pleasant, although by noon it was well into the 90's again.

Jah and I are over, I am very sad to report. She was definately one of the motivating factors for me to come back here for another year, but it didn't take long after my return for things to turn sour. We had a repeat performance from some of the other fights we had, in which she drank way too much, got depressed, and fooled herself into believing the worst of me. It's a recurring pattern. So I was the one to call it off; she would have stayed in for who knows how long... but I don't believe she was really committed. I kept thinking that, if we fight like this now, what would a marriage be like? With financial worries, child worries, trying to keep things interesting... I couldn't imagine it would be a healthy relationship. So better to terminate now than later. Who knows, maybe I'll find someone else here. Maybe not... sabai sabai.

This last week has been very hard... I must admit to not handling the break up well. I kind of went into a sleepless funk, drinking too much and hooking up with people I shouldn't be. After having someone *there* for the past few months... you know, occupying that little spot inside you, just to the left and underneath your heart... that spot that you don't know you have it until it's no longer filled... After having someone fill that spot for a while and then suddenly not... It took me by suprise and didn't know what to do. I think I was looking for a substitute, but that doesn't work...

I'm taking Thai lessons now, twice a week - Tuesday's and Thursdays. Hopefully within a couple of months I'll be able to carry on a basic conversation... or at least understand when someone asks me if I speak Thai. Just a couple of days ago I was with some Thai folks who were speaking Thai, when one of them asks me in Thai if I can speak the language. Even though theoretically I should have understood immediately what she asked me, I had to sit there and think about it for long enough that she quickly asked me again in English. Kind of embarassing when someone asks you in a language if you speak that language, and you don't even understand the question. How can you say "little bit" at that point? Might as well just admit you are clueless and move on! Well, I moved on to a class, hopefully it'll help.

Thupt

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