The downward spiral
I have a completely different mindset when living in BKK than living in BR. Living alone in a busy urban environment makes it more difficult to remain true to myself. What do I mean... without being surrounded by those people and things that have shaped my life thus far, I have to rely entirely upon the memory of those things to guide my decisions. When I am by myself for a while it is easy for me to slip into a kind of complacency, where my previously determined ambitions become less important and easy to shrug off.
On a separate note, things are not going well with Jah, I am sad to report. I suppose as a good blogger I should fill folks in on the details, but I just don't have it in me. Overall though, it's not that there's anything specifically wrong, it's just that the time we spent apart this last month seems to have also driven us apart emotionally. We didn't connect this weekend in any kind of satisfying way, and some things were said that will make it difficult to carry on. I've been thinking almost constantly about how to handle the situation and what is best for me for the future, and I think it's time to end it for good. But then I remember all of the good parts of the last few months and I hesitate. In other words, I think it's time that we broke up, but there's no animosity there... it just doesn't seem to be happening any more.
Things aren't all bad... I know this is a somber post. I'll have to good stuff to write again soon, I'm sure.
Thupt!
posted by Llama @ 10/24/2005 09:51:00 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
But I had a whole Jah chant! You can't take that away from me.
As for helpful advice, I don't have any. I would say go ahead and give it a try a few days more, though your comment about "things were said" makes me wonder. I am just thinking that sometimes our expectations for an event, in this case a sort of homecoming, can be so great that reality seems underwhelming. At the same time, if it just seems that you have truly grow apart, then I undertand your actions or planned actions or yeah. Good luck, llama.
Ah Llama,
we've both been on that downward spiral before, and we're still alive. just stop obsessing over it (I know you won't, but... had to be said) and let what happens, happens. if what you've said about the emotional connectivity is true, maybe it is better to let it gently fade away by doing nothing than by trying to break things off rather harshly. this way you can think back fondly about the time you've spent, rather than remember the bitter split. just my 2 baht,
btw, I still hate you.
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